wow. new church. not such a great pick - this church. currently
telling me about how all spirits are known to God evenbefore they are
concieved. that means no abortion. he says even in instances of rape.
that baby can be raised without having to know. what about the mother?
does her soul not count? what would that do to her for 9 months?
putting
on my mask again. just dont cry before youre out of the building.
awesome. they just confirmed my reservations in hell. twice.
merry christmas. so glad i came to this one. God, why? i already know that what i did was terribly wrong.
shit heidi get it together. blink them away. breathe, swallow. think of something else.
its
taking everything i have to stay in this seat right now. i want to grab
the girls and get the fuck out of here. just breathe. how much longer? i
cant seem to write fast enough. my mind is to fast for my hand. it
already hurts. (both of them)
the girls are going to want to stay
for the dinner thing theyre having after the sermon. no. i dont want to
stay. i want to leave right now.
i want to punch this guy in his fucking face. i want my old church back. i want lifesong. im sorry.
FUCK.
keep it together you fucking idiot. it cant last that much longer
right? blink them back you stupid bitch. you wouldnt be crying if you
didnt KILL YOUR FUCKING KID. whore. you deserve hell. you know you do.
why are you trying so hard to make up for that shit? its NOT possible.
you might as well just give up because no matter what you do, youre
going to hell. where you should be. you know it. i do know it. i do
deserve it. twice.
Hey Heidi, I felt really strongly that I should comment on this post of yours. I can completely understand how you feel here. I have not had an abortion, and abortion breaks my heart, but never NEVER would I condemn someone who has had one, nor should any Christian. I have made mistakes innumerous, but the wonderful thing is that God is a loving and forgiving God and all we have to do is believe that Jesus covered all our sins. There is nothing we as humans can do to deserve that. But God loves us so much that He took care of that part. Whomever made you believe that you are going to hell because of something you did is a liar. You are LOVED. I know this post is older, but you felt this way at some point and may still. I hope you don't give up on finding a church that loves you as God does---unconditionally! We both are fighting a terrible disease, and I know the chaos that pervades your mind, I feel it daily. But God is my Rock and the ONLY reason I am still alive today and still fighting. He has a beautiful purpose for you, no matter what your past! I hope you keep searching and I hope you find LOVE and ACCEPTANCE! If you EVER need to talk about God, or your struggles, please talk to me! :) Love, a fellow chica trying to heal
ReplyDeleteThank you sooo much for your comment Cherith! Since this post was written, I have found an amazing church that I adore. I do still go through times when I struggle with knowing that God forgives me, but I have learned to know the difference of God forgiving me and me not forgiving myself. Although I don't believe that I will ever forgive myself for my actions, I rejoice in the fact that when I get to heaven, my babies will be there for me to finally meet. <3
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ReplyDeleteHeidi. I am borderline. I HAVE had an abortion. I've also given a child up for adoption and I also have 2 children who live with me and whom I love with all my soul. You are NOT your mistakes. You are the lessons learned ftom them. If anyone else judges you, you just tell them they are not responsible for your salvation.
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