i dont even know where to start. the past couple weeks have been rough, to say the least. i have some really crazy things going on in my life right now. i am at a point where, unfortunately, i have to reevaluate some of the people i chose to be a part of my life. i need the negative as far as possible. this seems like an easy decision, right? well what if the "negative" are some of the very closest people to you? your family members....yeah not so easy now, is it?
a lot of things have changed in my way of thinking about the world, about life, about everything, since my father passed away almost 2 years ago. my father was a great man, but a severe alcoholic. he missed many, many events in my life due to his alcoholism. he never truly got to know any of his granddaughters because of it. that makes me sad.
i am thankful though, that my dad and i had somewhat of a relationship at the end of his life. we talked a couple times each week over the phone (even if most of the time he was drunk during these talks) and i had FINALLY let go of my anger towards him. i had accepted the fact that he was an alcoholic, it was a DISEASE, it was NOT my fault, and i had to love him for who he was, not who i wanted him to be. i had to love him UNCONDITIONALLY.
thats one thing i can say for my father. he loved me unconditionally. dont get me wrong, there were times when he was angry or disappointed in me in my life, but i always knew that he loved me, no matter what. i think thats the most special gift that he ever gave me. he accepted me for all of my faults and thankfully, i finally learned to accept him for all of his. it was a sad day when i got the phone call that they had found him, dead, in his apartment, due to an aneurism in his esophagus, directly linked to his alcoholism.
after that i kind of lost control even worse than i already had. i made it my mission to "fix" my family and make sure they were safe. i honestly wanted nothing more than all my siblings to move states away from their home, to live with me, so that i could take care of them. i wanted to be able to see them and care for them. to make sure they were getting the support and unconditional love they deserve, but is that truly unconditional love? no. i dont believe it is.
they are all "grown ups" now. (i use that term lightly, i mean what makes you a "grown up" anyway??) they have to live their own lives and make their own mistakes. i have to realize that i can not control them. i just have to be there to love them, no matter what happens. but what if another family member, that you want nothing more than to love without conditions and for them to do the same for you, just cant seem to do that? where do you draw the line?
i was sitting and thinking a few weeks ago about my life, and how i felt about how i was living. i know i am not the worlds best mom, but i adore my girls and as far as i can tell, they adore me! (if the preteen!) so why would i randomly cry and feel like a horrible mom? was it something i was doing to or not doing for my daughters? no it wasnt that at all. it was a certain person in my life that was telling me i wasnt a good mom. a certain person who also said i was a bad wife. a bad person. this person was the reason i felt this way. i had let this person take control of my feelings and i wasnt the only one suffering for it. i would let this person get into my head at such a depth that i would literally be in bed for more than a day. my husband and my kids suffered when this happened.
i finally had to be honest with myself. this family member, who is supposed to love me unconditionally, was actually only choosing to love me when i was doing things their way. is that fair? so what now? do i just cut this person out of my life? out of my daughters lives? i dont think i would ever be able to bring myself to do that completely. it is time to put a distance between us though and even that hurts. every single day it hurts.
my only hope is that maybe, just maybe, one day this person will understand why i have to do this. why for me it isnt really a choice anymore. it is absolutely for the happiness of myself and my children. i still hope that this person will see and try to be understanding. that this person will choose to stop these negative ways and to just love me as i do them. without conditions.
