i have been off of
any medication for close to a year now. i have not been to therapy
since last june. i have been researching anything and everything about
bpd. i own book after book on the subject and am on a constant search at
the bookstore for new books that i think will help. writing has been a
savior as well as discussions with other bpds. this page has been
probably my very largest source of self therapy. there have been times
when i have doubted my decision to continue with therapy mainly on my
own, but being able to truly practice new ways to think and respond to
society in ways that i have solely taught myself (with the help of the
internet resources and books) has given me great pride.
i have recently had a set back though. where as i have been able to pull myself from the situation and evaluate my emotions and thoughts and decipher which ones are only my bpd and which ones are true and valid ones, recently it has been getting rougher to do. i am beginning to question myself again. wondering if i am truly "seeing" the full picture. or am i only convincing myself that the bpd thoughts and feel ARE the valid ones?
the blurred lines have been running through my head for the last couple weeks and with them comes doubts on many other decisions that i have made. questions such as "am i feeling this way mainly because of the holidays?" (which are always a time of general upset for me) and "why am i suddenly doubting when i was so proud and sure before?" "is it time for therapy again?" "what about medication?"
to be completely honest, these worries come from upsets currently going on in my marriage. i refuse to go into detail about any of this, but my husband and i are at a point where it seems like neither one of us are satisfied with the "solutions" that the other has come up with. i feel that i am reverting back to the norm of being the one who is wrong in the relationship. i have almost always been the one at fault. this is 100% honesty. most of our marital problems have come from the way i process life, due to bpd and other factors. i have been very lucky to have a husband who is very accepting, very calm, and helps when he can.
so what is the problem? it boils down to this. i believe that in the current situation we are both somewhat at fault and i feel that he is not willing to negotiate. i feel that he says he will (possibly to shut me up for the time being, but that could very possibly be a bpd thought), but never actually follows through with the negotiations. so now i am doubting even those feelings. am i being my over-dramatic self when i feel this way? or am i validated? i cant give an honest answer.
it shakes my whole being to think that something i was so sure of can be so suddenly put into question. by my own head. so who needs the therapy? me? us as a couple? him? all of the above? none of the above? and if we do need therapy how can i convince him that it is not a shot at his masculinity to seek therapy? (i believe a lot of men are brought up to feel that problems should be kept within the family) ugh. maybe i have not come as far as i made myself believe i had.
i have recently had a set back though. where as i have been able to pull myself from the situation and evaluate my emotions and thoughts and decipher which ones are only my bpd and which ones are true and valid ones, recently it has been getting rougher to do. i am beginning to question myself again. wondering if i am truly "seeing" the full picture. or am i only convincing myself that the bpd thoughts and feel ARE the valid ones?
the blurred lines have been running through my head for the last couple weeks and with them comes doubts on many other decisions that i have made. questions such as "am i feeling this way mainly because of the holidays?" (which are always a time of general upset for me) and "why am i suddenly doubting when i was so proud and sure before?" "is it time for therapy again?" "what about medication?"
to be completely honest, these worries come from upsets currently going on in my marriage. i refuse to go into detail about any of this, but my husband and i are at a point where it seems like neither one of us are satisfied with the "solutions" that the other has come up with. i feel that i am reverting back to the norm of being the one who is wrong in the relationship. i have almost always been the one at fault. this is 100% honesty. most of our marital problems have come from the way i process life, due to bpd and other factors. i have been very lucky to have a husband who is very accepting, very calm, and helps when he can.
so what is the problem? it boils down to this. i believe that in the current situation we are both somewhat at fault and i feel that he is not willing to negotiate. i feel that he says he will (possibly to shut me up for the time being, but that could very possibly be a bpd thought), but never actually follows through with the negotiations. so now i am doubting even those feelings. am i being my over-dramatic self when i feel this way? or am i validated? i cant give an honest answer.
it shakes my whole being to think that something i was so sure of can be so suddenly put into question. by my own head. so who needs the therapy? me? us as a couple? him? all of the above? none of the above? and if we do need therapy how can i convince him that it is not a shot at his masculinity to seek therapy? (i believe a lot of men are brought up to feel that problems should be kept within the family) ugh. maybe i have not come as far as i made myself believe i had.
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