to be continued....

sitting on my bed. crying as usual. took some of my panic meds earlier to try to calm myself down. its not working. im such a horrible person. my husbands been at bootcamp and tech school for 4 months now. ive gone crazy since he left. currently having an affair, not on my anti depressants anymore, cutting over and over to release some of the pain, oh and doing some hardcore drugs at this point. damn these xanax usually help me calm down. maybe a few more. fuck it, maybe like 20 more. i need to go pick up marty and get going if we are going to make it to the cubs game in chicago today. i text again to try and find some more drugs. start the drive to the next town. damn maybe i shouldnt have taken that many xanax. fuck heidi pay attention to the road! i feel numb now. i like it this way. i lift my head and look up just in time to see it. its inevitable. im going to wreck. my mind is to fucked up to even react. i hit, hard. the airbag hits me in the face. the chinese food i had brought with is now all over the car. im pissed. fuck heidi! now what? now you cant go to the fucking cubs game! im sitting there in a wrecked car (oh yeah its totaled) screaming at myself. how pathetic heidi. i told you to watch the road. you didnt listen. i wish this had killed me. panic sets in as i open the door and try to step out. i put my foot down and it gives way, i fall flat on my face. oh shit somethings wrong. then i remember the text still in my phone about getting drugs. i literally crawl back to the car. searching through chinese and random objects that have beeb projected everywhere. someone grabs ahold of me. telling me i need to lay down. i yank my arm away. i need to find that fucking phone. he pulls me back and lays me on the ground as i yell about my phone. my mind is going crazy now. i have to erase that shit before the cops come. fuck. i am screwed this time. i see the car for the first time from the outside. holy shit. how am i alive? did i flip it from front to back? thats what theyre saying i did. the random man hands me my phone. i thank him as i delete. i hear the ambulance. i am oddly calm now as tears roll down my face. they put me in the ambulance and start cutting off my clothes. checking and poking. i feel disgusted with myself. i should have died. i wanted to die. i still want to.....