my most vivid description of bpd

panic is always there. frustration as well. i expect to much from people i think. my girls are good kids, really great kids, i am lucky, and yet i still find their flaws and get upset. i dont want them to act like that in public. their voices are to loud. they are to excited. they are to.....what? happy? why am i getting upset that they are overjoyed to be having dinner at ihop with me? i dont know but it doesnt change the fact that i am now frustrated and panicky. breathe i think. heidi just breathe. remember your girls are amazing little beings that are so much more well behaved than most. breathe. oh fuck, shes laughing to loud again. damn it. chew with your mouth closed! i think, fuck! how hard is that?? i have to get out of here, i have to get them out of here. back home where no one can see their misbehavior's. where no one can judge me. where no one can look at me. i know what they are thinking. shes to young to have 3 kids. i bet they arent even with one guy. they probably all have different dads. whore. worthless whore. cant she control them? pathetic. what a horrible mother. why do they let people like her have kids? sick. get me out of here i am screaming in my head. trying to keep that fake smile on my face. trying to at least let the girls have a good time. hurry please i say to my youngest. hurry. you needf to eat. we are waiting on you. oh my God we are leaving now so better finish your FOOD! oh fuck heidi, calm down. youre being ridiculous. please calm down/ fuck, here come the tears. i didnt mean to raise my voice. i didnt mean to. i AM a horrible mother. oh shit i cant do this. this was a stupid idea. what have i done? we have to leave. please hurry. please eat faster. fuck im going to have a panic attack. fuck fuck fuck. shit im not smiling. just get everyone to the car heidi. youll be safe there. no one can see you there. its to dark out. go go go - now go! please! damn it i ruined it again. why am i like this? fuck heidi get out of your head and pay attention to the fucking road. damn it. just calm down. breathe breathe breathe. turn the music up, then you wont bve able to hear them and so when you cant answer their questions they cant get upset right? shhhh. its fine heidi. youre fine. its ok. right? youre fine. just listen to the music. oh thank God led zepplin. yes listen to that. i think i might be sinking. throw me a line if i read you the time....yes just sing along heidi. ok. ok. i can do this. i can do this. ok. its going ot be ok. it will be. it has to be. please let it be. fuck.