It doesnt have to be your death sentence!

I have been back on meds now for over a year. At first I believed that I had failed in some way by not being able to live without them for more than a year at a time, but then my perceptive changed. I went over a year without meds! Woo Hoo me! I was strong enough to know when it was time to get back on meds too! Another win! I can and will live a pretty "normal" life with bpd! I have a choice! I can smile when I want to cry. I dont have to listen to depressing music when I am already down. I can listen to Aqua and other silly songs! I can sing my brains out to Mmmbop by Hanson lol. Today is a great day. Tomorrow may not be, but darn it, today has been wonderful and I will take it!

Jan 15, 2011

i have been off of any medication for close to a year now. i have not been to therapy since last june. i have been researching anything and everything about bpd. i own book after book on the subject and am on a constant search at the bookstore for new books that i think will help. writing has been a savior as well as discussions with other bpds. this page has been probably my very largest source of self therapy. there have been times when i have doubted my decision to continue with therapy mainly on my own, but being able to truly practice new ways to think and respond to society in ways that i have solely taught myself (with the help of the internet resources and books) has given me great pride.
i have recently had a set back though. where as i have been able to pull myself from the situation and evaluate my emotions and thoughts and decipher which ones are only my bpd and which ones are true and valid ones, recently it has been getting rougher to do. i am beginning to question myself again. wondering if i am truly "seeing" the full picture. or am i only convincing myself that the bpd thoughts and feel ARE the valid ones?
the blurred lines have been running through my head for the last couple weeks and with them comes doubts on many other decisions that i have made. questions such as "am i feeling this way mainly because of the holidays?" (which are always a time of general upset for me) and "why am i suddenly doubting when i was so proud and sure before?" "is it time for therapy again?" "what about medication?"
to be completely honest, these worries come from upsets currently going on in my marriage. i refuse to go into detail about any of this, but my husband and i are at a point where it seems like neither one of us are satisfied with the "solutions" that the other has come up with. i feel that i am reverting back to the norm of being the one who is wrong in the relationship. i have almost always been the one at fault. this is 100% honesty. most of our marital problems have come from the way i process life, due to bpd and other factors. i have been very lucky to have a husband who is very accepting, very calm, and helps when he can.
so what is the problem? it boils down to this. i believe that in the current situation we are both somewhat at fault and i feel that he is not willing to negotiate. i feel that he says he will (possibly to shut me up for the time being, but that could very possibly be a bpd thought), but never actually follows through with the negotiations. so now i am doubting even those feelings. am i being my over-dramatic self when i feel this way? or am i validated? i cant give an honest answer.

it shakes my whole being to think that something i was so sure of can be so suddenly put into question. by my own head. so who needs the therapy? me? us as a couple? him? all of the above? none of the above? and if we do need therapy how can i convince him that it is not a shot at his masculinity to seek therapy? (i believe a lot of men are brought up to feel that problems should be kept within the family) ugh. maybe i have not come as far as i made myself believe i had.

continued

did they seriously have to cut off my clothes in the ambulance? now im in this stupid hospital gown. my foot is in an air cast, they said i sprained it. i total my car and all i get is a sprained ankle? i cant do anything right. this iv is making me crazy. i just want out of here. my family is slowly coming in - i can tell my moms not happy. i start screaming about going to the cubs game. i dont know how im going to get there now, my car is totaled. i call my best friend heather to come get me. i cant be around these people right now. i listen to voicemails where marty is screaming at me about where the hell are you. i lose it. i throw my phone across the room but it only hits the curtain and slides down. this makes me even more angry. i start yelling. i cant even remember what i was yelling about. i scream for the nurse to bring me my release papers. i have to get out of here. im panicking again. what if they test me for drugs? theyll be able to tell i ate a shitload of xanax. my family is telling me to calm down. i sit up and literally rip out my iv. blood splatters across the room. i jump out of bed and the nurse comes in telling me that i cant do that. i just yell i want out. get me my release papers. i cant remember much after that or even during that. im not sure if its the drugs or the manic state i am in, maybe both....i remember grabbing my crutches and heather picking me up to go get clothes from my in laws house, where i am currently living. i manage to fall down the stairs there and scream at my father in law telling him i wish i had died. then i disappear for 2 days.....i just wanted to die, but i cant even get that right.

to be continued....

sitting on my bed. crying as usual. took some of my panic meds earlier to try to calm myself down. its not working. im such a horrible person. my husbands been at bootcamp and tech school for 4 months now. ive gone crazy since he left. currently having an affair, not on my anti depressants anymore, cutting over and over to release some of the pain, oh and doing some hardcore drugs at this point. damn these xanax usually help me calm down. maybe a few more. fuck it, maybe like 20 more. i need to go pick up marty and get going if we are going to make it to the cubs game in chicago today. i text again to try and find some more drugs. start the drive to the next town. damn maybe i shouldnt have taken that many xanax. fuck heidi pay attention to the road! i feel numb now. i like it this way. i lift my head and look up just in time to see it. its inevitable. im going to wreck. my mind is to fucked up to even react. i hit, hard. the airbag hits me in the face. the chinese food i had brought with is now all over the car. im pissed. fuck heidi! now what? now you cant go to the fucking cubs game! im sitting there in a wrecked car (oh yeah its totaled) screaming at myself. how pathetic heidi. i told you to watch the road. you didnt listen. i wish this had killed me. panic sets in as i open the door and try to step out. i put my foot down and it gives way, i fall flat on my face. oh shit somethings wrong. then i remember the text still in my phone about getting drugs. i literally crawl back to the car. searching through chinese and random objects that have beeb projected everywhere. someone grabs ahold of me. telling me i need to lay down. i yank my arm away. i need to find that fucking phone. he pulls me back and lays me on the ground as i yell about my phone. my mind is going crazy now. i have to erase that shit before the cops come. fuck. i am screwed this time. i see the car for the first time from the outside. holy shit. how am i alive? did i flip it from front to back? thats what theyre saying i did. the random man hands me my phone. i thank him as i delete. i hear the ambulance. i am oddly calm now as tears roll down my face. they put me in the ambulance and start cutting off my clothes. checking and poking. i feel disgusted with myself. i should have died. i wanted to die. i still want to.....

the search

wow. new church. not such a great pick - this church. currently telling me about how all spirits are known to God evenbefore they are concieved. that means no abortion. he says even in instances of rape. that baby can be raised without having to know. what about the mother? does her soul not count? what would that do to her for 9 months?

putting on my mask again. just dont cry before youre out of the building. awesome. they just confirmed my reservations in hell. twice.

merry christmas. so glad i came to this one. God, why? i already know that what i did was terribly wrong.

shit heidi get it together. blink them away. breathe, swallow. think of something else.

its taking everything i have to stay in this seat right now. i want to grab the girls and get the fuck out of here. just breathe. how much longer? i cant seem to write fast enough. my mind is to fast for my hand. it already hurts. (both of them)

the girls are going to want to stay for the dinner thing theyre having after the sermon. no. i dont want to stay. i want to leave right now.

i want to punch this guy in his fucking face. i want my old church back. i want lifesong. im sorry.

FUCK. keep it together you fucking idiot. it cant last that much longer right? blink them back you stupid bitch. you wouldnt be crying if you didnt KILL YOUR FUCKING KID. whore. you deserve hell. you know you do. why are you trying so hard to make up for that shit? its NOT possible. you might as well just give up because no matter what you do, youre going to hell. where you should be. you know it. i do know it. i do deserve it. twice.

it will all be ok little girl

ready go. ready go. motivate motivate motivate! come on heidi, the house needs cleaned. you need to finish washing all the bedding at least. yeah what a brilliant idea that was to do. grr. do "normal" people feel this fatigued? ever? i just want to sleep. all day, all night. nope cant do that. 3 little girls depend on you. did i cook dinner yet? fuck. what time is it? i know they just ate some strawberries....yeah nice try heidi that doesnt count as dinner. fuck. ok you can do this. its just dinner and laundry, right? why does it have to be this hard? when is my husband coming back? what day is it? ok he will be here tomorrow. wait, he will be here TOMORROW! fuck i have to clean this house up. i swear i just did this like yesterday. or was it the day before? or longer? damn it. wow i suck at life. when do people get to start enjoying this shit? or do normal people enjoy it already....fuck. oh well. frozen pizzas i guess. it is friday. right? no big deal....im a fucking failure who am i kidding? they all see it. i know it. fuck.

my most vivid description of bpd

panic is always there. frustration as well. i expect to much from people i think. my girls are good kids, really great kids, i am lucky, and yet i still find their flaws and get upset. i dont want them to act like that in public. their voices are to loud. they are to excited. they are to.....what? happy? why am i getting upset that they are overjoyed to be having dinner at ihop with me? i dont know but it doesnt change the fact that i am now frustrated and panicky. breathe i think. heidi just breathe. remember your girls are amazing little beings that are so much more well behaved than most. breathe. oh fuck, shes laughing to loud again. damn it. chew with your mouth closed! i think, fuck! how hard is that?? i have to get out of here, i have to get them out of here. back home where no one can see their misbehavior's. where no one can judge me. where no one can look at me. i know what they are thinking. shes to young to have 3 kids. i bet they arent even with one guy. they probably all have different dads. whore. worthless whore. cant she control them? pathetic. what a horrible mother. why do they let people like her have kids? sick. get me out of here i am screaming in my head. trying to keep that fake smile on my face. trying to at least let the girls have a good time. hurry please i say to my youngest. hurry. you needf to eat. we are waiting on you. oh my God we are leaving now so better finish your FOOD! oh fuck heidi, calm down. youre being ridiculous. please calm down/ fuck, here come the tears. i didnt mean to raise my voice. i didnt mean to. i AM a horrible mother. oh shit i cant do this. this was a stupid idea. what have i done? we have to leave. please hurry. please eat faster. fuck im going to have a panic attack. fuck fuck fuck. shit im not smiling. just get everyone to the car heidi. youll be safe there. no one can see you there. its to dark out. go go go - now go! please! damn it i ruined it again. why am i like this? fuck heidi get out of your head and pay attention to the fucking road. damn it. just calm down. breathe breathe breathe. turn the music up, then you wont bve able to hear them and so when you cant answer their questions they cant get upset right? shhhh. its fine heidi. youre fine. its ok. right? youre fine. just listen to the music. oh thank God led zepplin. yes listen to that. i think i might be sinking. throw me a line if i read you the time....yes just sing along heidi. ok. ok. i can do this. i can do this. ok. its going ot be ok. it will be. it has to be. please let it be. fuck.

Borderline personality disorder vs Bi polar disorder

Diagnostic questions around bipolar illness, major depressive episodes, ADHD, and severe personality disorders can be resolved by the careful evaluation of

1. the depressive symptomatology,
2. the presence and nature of suicidality
3. the presence or absence of true manic or hypomanic episodes
4. cognitive functions
5. the quality of interpersonal relations
6. characteristics of personality disorders
7. the role of substance abuse
8. the presence or absence and type of antisocial behavior.

Adequate diagnosis facilitates optimal treatment.

Source: Kernberg, O.F. and Yeomans, F. E. (draft): Bi-Polar Disorder,
Depression, Attention Deficit/Hyperactive Disorder and Borderline and
other Severe Personality Disorder: Practical Differential Diagnosis.

Criteria for borderline personality disorder

The essential feature of Borderline Personality Disorder is a pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity that begins by early adulthood and is present in a variety of contexts. Individuals with Borderline Personality Disorder make frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment (Criterion 1). The perception of impending separation or rejection, or the loss of external structure, can lead to profound changes in self-image, affect, cognition, and behavior. These individuals are very sensitive to environmental circumstances. They experience intense abandonment fears and inappropriate anger even when faced with a realistic time-limited separation or when there are unavoidable changes in plans (e.g., sudden despair in reaction to a clinician's announcing the end of the hour; panic or fury when someone important to them is just a few minutes late or must cancel an appointment). They may believe that this "abandonment" implies they are "bad." These abandonment fears are related to an intolerance of being alone and a need to have other people with them. Their frantic efforts to avoid abandonment may include impulsive actions such as self-mutilating or suicidal behaviors, which are described separately in Criterion 5.

BPD is manifested by a pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in (5).
2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation. This is called "splitting."
3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.
4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in (5).
5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior.
   
6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).
   
7. Chronic feelings of emptiness.
   
8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).
   
9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.

 http://bpdresourcecenter.org/DSM-IV.html