and so it begins....

i dont even know where to start. the past couple weeks have been rough, to say the least. i have some really crazy things going on in my life right now. i am at a point where, unfortunately, i have to reevaluate some of the people i chose to be a part of my life. i need the negative as far as possible. this seems like an easy decision, right? well what if the "negative" are some of the very closest people to you? your family members....yeah not so easy now, is it?
a lot of things have changed in my way of thinking about the world, about life, about everything, since my father passed away almost 2 years ago. my father was a great man, but a severe alcoholic. he missed many, many events in my life due to his alcoholism. he never truly got to know any of his granddaughters because of it. that makes me sad.
i am thankful though, that my dad and i had somewhat of a relationship at the end of his life. we talked a couple times each week over the phone (even if most of the time he was drunk during these talks) and i had FINALLY let go of my anger towards him. i had accepted the fact that he was an alcoholic, it was a DISEASE, it was NOT my fault, and i had to love him for who he was, not who i wanted him to be. i had to love him UNCONDITIONALLY.
thats one thing i can say for my father. he loved me unconditionally. dont get me wrong, there were times when he was angry or disappointed in me in my life, but i always knew that he loved me, no matter what. i think thats the most special gift that he ever gave me. he accepted me for all of my faults and thankfully, i finally learned to accept him for all of his. it was a sad day when i got the phone call that they had found him, dead, in his apartment, due to an aneurism in his esophagus, directly linked to his alcoholism.
after that i kind of lost control even worse than i already had. i made it my mission to "fix" my family and make sure they were safe. i honestly wanted nothing more than all my siblings to move states away from their home, to live with me, so that i could take care of them. i wanted to be able to see them and care for them. to make sure they were getting the support and unconditional love they deserve, but is that truly unconditional love? no. i dont believe it is.
they are all "grown ups" now. (i use that term lightly, i mean what makes you a "grown up" anyway??) they have to live their own lives and make their own mistakes. i have to realize that i can not control them. i just have to be there to love them, no matter what happens. but what if another family member, that you want nothing more than to love without conditions and for them to do the same for you, just cant seem to do that? where do you draw the line?
i was sitting and thinking a few weeks ago about my life, and how i felt about how i was living. i know i am not the worlds best mom, but i adore my girls and as far as i can tell, they adore me! (if the preteen!) so why would i randomly cry and feel like a horrible mom? was it something i was doing to or not doing for my daughters? no it wasnt that at all. it was a certain person in my life that was telling me i wasnt a good mom. a certain person who also said i was a bad wife. a bad person. this person was the reason i felt this way. i had let this person take control of my feelings and i wasnt the only one suffering for it. i would let this person get into my head at such a depth that i would literally be in bed for more than a day. my husband and my kids suffered when this happened.
i finally had to be honest with myself. this family member, who is supposed to love me unconditionally, was actually only choosing to love me when i was doing things their way. is that fair? so what now? do i just cut this person out of my life? out of my daughters lives? i dont think i would ever be able to bring myself to do that completely. it is time to put a distance between us though and even that hurts. every single day it hurts.
my only hope is that maybe, just maybe, one day this person will understand why i have to do this. why for me it isnt really a choice anymore. it is absolutely for the happiness of myself and my children. i still hope that this person will see and try to be understanding. that this person will choose to stop these negative ways and to just love me as i do them. without conditions.

Here it goes.....

Hmm.....What to do with myself today. I know my house is messy as are my kids, but they're having so much fun outside playing. I am currently sitting in my garage (aka my husbands' man cave) thinking. A dangerous situation at times. Inside my head can be horrific thoughts. There are also some amazing ideas though. I debate within my heart and soul currently whether or not I want this blog to be raw and open. Are my wounds still to fresh for that? Can I live to tell the tails of my past? Or will I just open the wounds to a crowd that will watch me suffocate and die? There is no right answer here. No matter what I choose to do, some will judge, some will find hope in my journey, and others will gather for my demise. Are the ones that will find hope strong enough to help me once I have fallen? I believe they are, but I have been wrong before. Oh well, here it goes. The start of a truly open and honest, raw and messy blog. Judge if you must, but remember, you too could be me. You all could. Will you be strong enough to help those around without being crippled by the fear of the rest? I honestly hope so.

It doesnt have to be your death sentence!

I have been back on meds now for over a year. At first I believed that I had failed in some way by not being able to live without them for more than a year at a time, but then my perceptive changed. I went over a year without meds! Woo Hoo me! I was strong enough to know when it was time to get back on meds too! Another win! I can and will live a pretty "normal" life with bpd! I have a choice! I can smile when I want to cry. I dont have to listen to depressing music when I am already down. I can listen to Aqua and other silly songs! I can sing my brains out to Mmmbop by Hanson lol. Today is a great day. Tomorrow may not be, but darn it, today has been wonderful and I will take it!

Jan 15, 2011

i have been off of any medication for close to a year now. i have not been to therapy since last june. i have been researching anything and everything about bpd. i own book after book on the subject and am on a constant search at the bookstore for new books that i think will help. writing has been a savior as well as discussions with other bpds. this page has been probably my very largest source of self therapy. there have been times when i have doubted my decision to continue with therapy mainly on my own, but being able to truly practice new ways to think and respond to society in ways that i have solely taught myself (with the help of the internet resources and books) has given me great pride.
i have recently had a set back though. where as i have been able to pull myself from the situation and evaluate my emotions and thoughts and decipher which ones are only my bpd and which ones are true and valid ones, recently it has been getting rougher to do. i am beginning to question myself again. wondering if i am truly "seeing" the full picture. or am i only convincing myself that the bpd thoughts and feel ARE the valid ones?
the blurred lines have been running through my head for the last couple weeks and with them comes doubts on many other decisions that i have made. questions such as "am i feeling this way mainly because of the holidays?" (which are always a time of general upset for me) and "why am i suddenly doubting when i was so proud and sure before?" "is it time for therapy again?" "what about medication?"
to be completely honest, these worries come from upsets currently going on in my marriage. i refuse to go into detail about any of this, but my husband and i are at a point where it seems like neither one of us are satisfied with the "solutions" that the other has come up with. i feel that i am reverting back to the norm of being the one who is wrong in the relationship. i have almost always been the one at fault. this is 100% honesty. most of our marital problems have come from the way i process life, due to bpd and other factors. i have been very lucky to have a husband who is very accepting, very calm, and helps when he can.
so what is the problem? it boils down to this. i believe that in the current situation we are both somewhat at fault and i feel that he is not willing to negotiate. i feel that he says he will (possibly to shut me up for the time being, but that could very possibly be a bpd thought), but never actually follows through with the negotiations. so now i am doubting even those feelings. am i being my over-dramatic self when i feel this way? or am i validated? i cant give an honest answer.

it shakes my whole being to think that something i was so sure of can be so suddenly put into question. by my own head. so who needs the therapy? me? us as a couple? him? all of the above? none of the above? and if we do need therapy how can i convince him that it is not a shot at his masculinity to seek therapy? (i believe a lot of men are brought up to feel that problems should be kept within the family) ugh. maybe i have not come as far as i made myself believe i had.

continued

did they seriously have to cut off my clothes in the ambulance? now im in this stupid hospital gown. my foot is in an air cast, they said i sprained it. i total my car and all i get is a sprained ankle? i cant do anything right. this iv is making me crazy. i just want out of here. my family is slowly coming in - i can tell my moms not happy. i start screaming about going to the cubs game. i dont know how im going to get there now, my car is totaled. i call my best friend heather to come get me. i cant be around these people right now. i listen to voicemails where marty is screaming at me about where the hell are you. i lose it. i throw my phone across the room but it only hits the curtain and slides down. this makes me even more angry. i start yelling. i cant even remember what i was yelling about. i scream for the nurse to bring me my release papers. i have to get out of here. im panicking again. what if they test me for drugs? theyll be able to tell i ate a shitload of xanax. my family is telling me to calm down. i sit up and literally rip out my iv. blood splatters across the room. i jump out of bed and the nurse comes in telling me that i cant do that. i just yell i want out. get me my release papers. i cant remember much after that or even during that. im not sure if its the drugs or the manic state i am in, maybe both....i remember grabbing my crutches and heather picking me up to go get clothes from my in laws house, where i am currently living. i manage to fall down the stairs there and scream at my father in law telling him i wish i had died. then i disappear for 2 days.....i just wanted to die, but i cant even get that right.

to be continued....

sitting on my bed. crying as usual. took some of my panic meds earlier to try to calm myself down. its not working. im such a horrible person. my husbands been at bootcamp and tech school for 4 months now. ive gone crazy since he left. currently having an affair, not on my anti depressants anymore, cutting over and over to release some of the pain, oh and doing some hardcore drugs at this point. damn these xanax usually help me calm down. maybe a few more. fuck it, maybe like 20 more. i need to go pick up marty and get going if we are going to make it to the cubs game in chicago today. i text again to try and find some more drugs. start the drive to the next town. damn maybe i shouldnt have taken that many xanax. fuck heidi pay attention to the road! i feel numb now. i like it this way. i lift my head and look up just in time to see it. its inevitable. im going to wreck. my mind is to fucked up to even react. i hit, hard. the airbag hits me in the face. the chinese food i had brought with is now all over the car. im pissed. fuck heidi! now what? now you cant go to the fucking cubs game! im sitting there in a wrecked car (oh yeah its totaled) screaming at myself. how pathetic heidi. i told you to watch the road. you didnt listen. i wish this had killed me. panic sets in as i open the door and try to step out. i put my foot down and it gives way, i fall flat on my face. oh shit somethings wrong. then i remember the text still in my phone about getting drugs. i literally crawl back to the car. searching through chinese and random objects that have beeb projected everywhere. someone grabs ahold of me. telling me i need to lay down. i yank my arm away. i need to find that fucking phone. he pulls me back and lays me on the ground as i yell about my phone. my mind is going crazy now. i have to erase that shit before the cops come. fuck. i am screwed this time. i see the car for the first time from the outside. holy shit. how am i alive? did i flip it from front to back? thats what theyre saying i did. the random man hands me my phone. i thank him as i delete. i hear the ambulance. i am oddly calm now as tears roll down my face. they put me in the ambulance and start cutting off my clothes. checking and poking. i feel disgusted with myself. i should have died. i wanted to die. i still want to.....

the search

wow. new church. not such a great pick - this church. currently telling me about how all spirits are known to God evenbefore they are concieved. that means no abortion. he says even in instances of rape. that baby can be raised without having to know. what about the mother? does her soul not count? what would that do to her for 9 months?

putting on my mask again. just dont cry before youre out of the building. awesome. they just confirmed my reservations in hell. twice.

merry christmas. so glad i came to this one. God, why? i already know that what i did was terribly wrong.

shit heidi get it together. blink them away. breathe, swallow. think of something else.

its taking everything i have to stay in this seat right now. i want to grab the girls and get the fuck out of here. just breathe. how much longer? i cant seem to write fast enough. my mind is to fast for my hand. it already hurts. (both of them)

the girls are going to want to stay for the dinner thing theyre having after the sermon. no. i dont want to stay. i want to leave right now.

i want to punch this guy in his fucking face. i want my old church back. i want lifesong. im sorry.

FUCK. keep it together you fucking idiot. it cant last that much longer right? blink them back you stupid bitch. you wouldnt be crying if you didnt KILL YOUR FUCKING KID. whore. you deserve hell. you know you do. why are you trying so hard to make up for that shit? its NOT possible. you might as well just give up because no matter what you do, youre going to hell. where you should be. you know it. i do know it. i do deserve it. twice.